Log in

[[[ Beautiful Intentions ]]] [entries|friends|calendar]
[[[... Infatuation Junkie ...]]]

[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

Uncorking the Bottle... Just a Little: Pt 2 [16 Nov 2007|02:49pm]
[ mood | miserable. ]

My job. Where do I even start? In a nutshell, I'm sick of it. I'm tired of bending over backwards for a thankless job and also one that pays nothing for the amount of shit and things that I have to deal with on a daily basis. I've always told myself since I accepted the position that if I only last a year in the position, I'd feel greatly accomplished. (The date is February 5th.) After that year mark, I wouldn't care if I left PetSmart for something else. I feel that being in a management position for at least a full year could open some doors to future employment opportunities. I could be horribly misguided by that generalization, but hey, it sounds good and makes sense to me. But where would I go? What would I do? I feel like I've been at this place so many times before, and every time I always just package it into the little (yet ever growing) box of disappointements and just accept my place and suck it up and push forward, never completely satisfied with where I'm at. Enter the vicious circle...

Here we are, November 16th, 2007 (Happy Birthday to my Aunt Fran!): Living on my own. Withdrawn from college... No. A college dropout. (There. I said it. Let's bold, underline and italicize this to really drive it home.) Working full-time at a job that I love to hate. And broke. I would love to go back to school for either Photography and/or Art History. (At least I've narrowed down what I'd want to go back for.) There-in lies the problem: I have to work to live on my own, especially in the apartment we're currently residing. At the same time, I yearn to go back to school. Going back to school, obviously, costs money. Working full-time doesn't leave a lot of extra time to go to school, not that I would be looking at going back full-time, but still. In order to theoretically make more money and attempt to work somewhere that I would love, I would have to back to school. What do I do?

I do not regret leaving school this past February. I still feel like it was the absolute right thing to do. While I was really good (apparently) with the whole Art Education thing, I didn't feel like it was the right place for me to be. My heart wasn't in it. I did like Buff State though, so if anything I would probably consider going back there for classes. Maybe. 

I'm just at a complete loss of direction. I'm at a loss of drive. I'm in dire need of guidance...

The little bit of snow that's falling right now is, however, making me incredibly happy. It makes me want to listen to horribly depressing christmas music. 


4 cut to the bone| tell me your secrets

Uncorking the Bottle... Just a Little. [15 Nov 2007|09:51pm]
[ mood | I'm trying to be positive... ]

Its ironic that when you decide that you're done with love and done trying to find love and done believing that love could possibly exist and, an even more ridiculous thought, have love find you, that you end up wanting it more than ever. Actually, my exact words (read: text message) to a good friend of mine was "Fuck love. Let's just fuck.". I'm finding myself wondering why the last three potential (and I stress the word potential) relationships sank before they even left the harbor. One just wouldn't work- Too much of being exactly what he said he wasn't. The other two ended with really no reason. One, I'm not even sure why we stopped talking, still to this day and the other... Well there was some miscommunication and there was me creating a monster and then wanting space and him not understanding that at all. At the same time, I did not feel like trying to rectify the situation and decided to embrace my pessimism in thinking 'I'm just going to want to end it in another week anyhow, so why not just get it over with now.' 

Am I doomed to a life of being single? A life filled with potential relationships that go wrong, with or without a good reason? Is it me? Am I attracted to the wrong guys? Or, are they the right guys, and I just meet them at the wrong time? In the past few weeks I've met a few very sweet, cute, funny guys but they seem to just be after sex or 'worse' are already in a relationship. 

What if I was fooling myself when I texted "Fuck love. Let's just fuck."? I actually think that may have been a low point that hit its peak. Maybe it wasn't.

I am currently in the biggest rut of my life. I have never been more lazy, more un-inspired, more negative/cynical about everything than I have ever ever been. I'd like to think that I'm not affected by the time change, I don't think I ever really have been in the past, but I really think its taking a toll on me this year. I'm horribly saddened when its dark at 5.15pm everyday. I'm even more depressed when I work a 7am-5pm and leave work knowing it'll be dark by 5.30pm. Work... That's an entire other entry for another time. I'll get to that soon enough, I'm sure...

I think anyone, whether you know me or not, would be very surprised with the amount of emotion and thought that I keep bottled up. (Or maybe I'm just kidding myself and its really more obvious than care to say or like to think... )


1 cut to the bone| tell me your secrets

Fucking Up "The Potentials" Once Again... [11 Oct 2007|09:04pm]
[ mood | I need to pack... ]

Is it possible for me to meet someone new and develop a friendship with them first before its all turned upside-down, three times round by sex? I don't think I'm stretching for the stars with this one. I would just love to have a friendship with another guy and not have sex fuck everything up the process of something developing into something worth while. I think its me. I know its me. I've been told that I "create these monsters" and then don't know why they don't get it when I want to calm down and take three steps back... You know, to the point where I should have started from in the first place and not jumped, head first, into consecutive days of wanting to hang out and do things and sleep over and what have you then, suddenly from my end, I want space. Its my fault completely, this I know. I just wish I could change it. The past two guys I've met had great potential for a relationship to develop and grow. But no, not me, I insist on spending loads of time together in the first few days of meeting "The Potentials" and then they get really pissed off when I say "Whoa, hold on a second. Let's take a few steps back here... " and I completely understand their reasoning behind it. 

I am going to be really impressed with the guy that comes around and agrees with me when I say "Annnnddd I need some space." after a week or so. That may be too much to handle. It could possibly be a good too much to handle though...

How do I change? I need to change so many things about myself, about the way I do things. Not specifically in a relationship sense, but overall. There's a bit of something in every aspect of my life that I need to and want to change so badly. At the same time, I guess you can say that I feel overwhelmed by how much there actually is that I want to fix so I don't bother doing anything about anything... Vicious circle.

On another note, I'm fucking broke. I don't know how I get myself into these messes either. I tried so very very hard to not spend loads of money this week, but still, here we are the day before payday and I have nothing. I say this all the time, but its 1000% true: "I can't save money to save my life." This I really don't fucking get. At all.

We're moving, again, on Saturday and I couldn't be more excited. Minus the packing and actual move itself, I can't wait til Saturday is here. On top of that, Saturday is my first day of a 9-day, paid vacation and I am in desperate need of.

I need to get away.

Christ, I haven't written in here in a while...


2 cut to the bone| tell me your secrets

Born To Blossom, Bloom To Perish [28 Apr 2007|09:54am]
[ mood | Time to start my day... ]

You know when you get something in your head and then you wonder why its bouncing around in there? This has happened all of a sudden this morning. "Born to blossom, bloom to perish" is swishing around my mind and I don't know why. I'm dwelling on its meaning and relevance to my life currently. I was driving and then bam, the Gwen lyric popped into my head. Seriously came out of no where.

This past week I moved in with Stephanie and its awesome to be out on my own... for good. That part is kind of terrifying when you really think about it. Like, this is it. I am my own person. I have to take care of me. I have to get absolutely all of my shit organized in every aspect of my life and stay on top of everything. I am me.

Also, decided (I think) that I'm going to take the $1700+ check I received from Allstate for the accident to fix my car and use it for a down payment on a new (or newer, meaning used) vehicle instead. I already have a possible potential buyer of Penelope as she currently is, so that could be great. Looking into the Scion xA (the little guy) which is looking crazy affordable and such so we'll just have to see what happens. Would love to get a newer-used Jeep Wrangler, but I'm not sure how that'll go.

I have two days in a row off (today and tomorrow) and its fucking fantastic. I never thought I'd appreciate days off from work as much as I do but when you work at PetSmart, they are amazing. Especially when you have two back to back cos that's kind of rare. Granted I asked for today and tomorrow off, but still. I need to set up my week of paid vacation soon cos I'm gonna start droppin' some bows soon if I don't get a break from that sometimes dreadful place. 

I think I should just get "Born to blossom, bloom to perish" tattooed on me... That would be fun.

Stay golden.


Ps- Now that I have fast internet, I hope to be updating more. As with everything, we'll see how that goes.

tell me your secrets

Pure, Self-Pleasuring, Delightful, Ecstatic, Musical Goodness [19 Mar 2007|09:03am]
[ mood | In need of coffee... ]

Holy crap to having a whole lot of things happening recently, or at least since my last post (which has also been quite some time, this I know). All mostly good things, some questionable... No. All good... For the most part anyways...

Let's start back to about a month ago when I decided to take a leave of absence from school. Well, I did just that. Sat through one of my last days of school thinking about just getting out of there for a while. Like, I didn't pay attention for one second (not exaggerating in the slightest either) in either of the three classes I went to that day. I only remember hating life and being horribly sad and wishing I was somewhere else. Thinking about work and manager training in Rochester for two weeks (get to that a bit later) and wanting/needing to move out and just needing an overall break from school. The biggest question bouncing around my head that day was "Do I really want to become an art teacher?" That question is still riding around my mind and I play a tug-of-war with it daily. I honestly have no idea. My game plan, which seems to be ready to stray everyday, is I want to take a summer class or two and then go back to Buff State in the fall part-time and try to ease myself back into school and such. I just don't know if I can do it, no, I don't know if I want to do it... Everything in that department is up in the air.

On to the work thing. Had to go to Rochester (Henrietta to be exact) for the past two weeks for management training at a PetSmart there. PetSmart put me up in a hotel for the two weeks and gave me $35 a day for food- whether I used it at Wegmans or at a restaurant was my decision. I had $35/day for food purposes which was awesome, though I rarely came close to spending my daily allowance. They're also paying for 'drive time', which I'm not sure how that's calculated but whatever. I'm anticipating a little bit of a bonus check of sorts in the near future. The best part of the past two weeks in Rochester was the hotel. The PetSmart up there was awfulawful and I spent the whole first week in an office with a dud of another manager-trainee doing book work things and looking things up on Fetch (PetSmart's network of company related information and updates and the like). Shoot me in the face. The next week was spent learning things that I've been doing for the past month+ as manager since I've been in the position since February 5th. Again, horrid horrid gunfire to my head. The people were dull as dull can be and they weren't personable with anyone really, especially co-workers, which I found incredibly odd because we are such a unit, a family, at my store so to go to that was really mindboggling. The second week too, I was supposed to shadow one of the managers but only worked with him twice (thankfully) because he got sick and called in the other few days... Yeah, real good training there people. 652 points to you. For sure. In between all that I came home on the weekends to basically hang at Stephanie's and drink. One of the best times being St. Patrick's Day. Holla at that muthafuckas!

Before all that, went to see PINK and Justin Timberlake on February 18th and that was fucking fantastic. Turned 22 which was spent in Fredonia (mostly) for Jaime's Senior Recital and a brilliant drag show on campus. (!!!) Fabulous. Oh, and I got into a car accident as well. That was on February 22nd. Rather minor, but still. There's an estimated $1700+ damage to Penelope, though its being paid for cos the accident wasn't my fault, so that's good. Sucks, but still good. That game plan is to get her fixed (which could be done rather inexpensively by going to the shop I normally go to. Meaning I could get everything all fixed up with roughly a grand pocketed from that by me. Booty.)

Also fell in love with Polaroids. Bought a Polaroid camera last week and its brilliant. Expensive, but brilliant. It'll hold me over 'til I research and buy a new digital camera.

In the near future: Steph seems like she is going to kidnap me if I don't willingly move out by April 1st, so we'll see how that goes. I mean, I'm completelycompletely for it, obviously. Its just riding down to talking with Mommy dearest and having that go well. New season of WorkOut starts tomorrow!!! Also, new tattoo on April 13th with Jessica from Red House. Fucking STOKED. John Mayer at HSBC Arena on April 21st.

On a side note: I recently found out about a newer song of Pink's (a bonus track on the UK release of I'm Not Dead) called "Fingers" and I can not stop listening to it. Steph told me about it cos she watched Pink's concert on MSN.com and she performed it. I was unaware of it 'til then and then Steph showed me the video clip of the concert and I immediately ordered the UK release of I'm Not Dead from amazon.co.uk. Pure, self-pleasuring, delightful, ecstatic, musical goodness. (Ps- The song is about masturbation. Hott.)

I have come back from this two weeks away in Hellchester with a renewed sense of self and self-reliance. I feel motivated to do do do and such. Its strange that in hating my life for the past two weeks as much as I have, to come out of it and feel as I do. I'm wanting to paint and workout and eat better and save money and move out and try to figure out what the hell I want to do with my life (career-wise) and so on and so forth. I really really hope that this new-found motivation will last longer than a week or so. These next few weeks should remain quite interesting to say the least. Here's hoping for the best in all situations, now and always.

Stay golden.


3 cut to the bone| tell me your secrets

Butterflies and Dragon Wings [24 Jan 2007|01:54pm]
[ mood | Blah Blah Blah Again... ]

I wish I knew what I wanted out of life. I've been constantly thinking about this the past two weeks or so and I'm kind of driving myself crazy. I have been in such a horrible mood that I find myself very tired and getting really angry at things that I shouldn't get so worked up over. Part of me knows every little thing that I want to do with my life, another side of me has no idea and thinks that I'm going entirely in the wrong direction. I (think) I know I want to teach art. I (think) I know I want to have kids some day. I (think) I know who I am. There are times though where I ask myself a simple, but profound question: Are you sure? This throws me completely off and I am left wallowing in my own uncertainty for hours and or days at a time.

I need an outlet. I have many outlets, but I find myself just sleeping it off instead. It usually does help, but it obviously never cures the problem for long because not long after, I'm back to where I started.

School has started again, which will help to deter my mind from wandering for too long. I have also recently been promoted to manager of my department at PetSmart, so that will be another 45+ hours of stressful distraction. I do thrive when I'm retardedly busy, so I'm totally looking at this with complete excitement and optimism.

I need to go to the fitness centre more regularly. Quoting a text from Lyn I received earlier today, "I have gone beyond fluffy and fell into squish." (Fuckin' love that girl.)

I need a new camera so badly. I want to take photos and can't. I think that could help too. I should look into a credit card, just to have one, and also to buy a camera. Maybe that's not the best way of getting one but it could work. My birthday is coming up too, but my mom bought me my last camera last year for my birthday and I accidentally broke it by August...

(I'm in the computer lab at school, listening to a song called "Butterflies" and a girl sitting near me just took out and placed a folder with 'butterflies and dragon wings' written on it... Coincidence? Does that mean something?... This is what I do with my life. I completely over-analize absolutely everything and in turn, drive myself crazy trying to find some sort of relation and/or meaning for menial, and mostly random, things such as that. I wonder if it was for a class or something... She just put it on the table in front of me again... What does it mean?!)

... Where was I? Oh yes, here's the thing though: I find myself getting and/or doing things that would normally distract me from my mood (such as spending money and/or getting three new piercings in less than a month) and it doesn't do what it used to. My mom even casually mentioned to me that sleeping alot is a sign of depression. Again, here's a person who says small things to me that I then store away in the "Drive Myself Crazy" file in my head and is pulled from the cabinet every now and then and whips me into a state of personal mental frenzy and mindfuck that I really don't care for nor do I have time/patience for any more.

Now I'm just rambling... I'm done.


4 cut to the bone| tell me your secrets

The Past Resurfaces [06 Jan 2007|12:00pm]
[ mood | A bit restless today... ]

I find that I keep self-resolutions when I keep them to myself and not share them with everyone and anyone who will listen to me blabble about such topics. I've already been really well on track for the past two weeks or so, so let's hope that this continues well on to the future where it won't be as much of a task to stay concentrated on.

Tuesday night I ran into my father's ex-wife, Cindy, and her daughter, Tricia, and her now husband, Tony at Red Robin when Stephanie and I went there for dinner. I noticed Cindy walking back from the washroom, but just the side and back of her, and I thought 'No fuckin' way... '. Sure enough I see where she sits down and see Tricia there. Immediate internal panic and histeria fall upon me. Let me preface the rest of this little tale by saying that Cindy and my father were together for roughly six years before they decided to get married in 2002 (I think... ), then three months later she moved out 'cos she found out my scumbag douche of a father was cheating on her with Toni, a hideous white trash blonde whore with five young kids from his place of employment. (Cindy, my father and I started getting on bad terms around 2000 and the whole thing ended badly then in 2002. I didn't realize I missed Cindy and her family as much as I did til 2004ish.) Less than two months after Cindy leaves, Toni moves in. Blatantly obvious much? Anyhoo, I fester with this feeling of chaos for the rest of the meal and then after much procrastination, Stephanie helps me get off my ass and say hello to them. We go over and say hello and it was awesome. Did as much catching up in ten minutes as four people can while standing in the middle of a restaurant and exchanged numbers and email. I'd love to get together with them and catch up fully and see how things are this time around. I think we've all matured enough to put that behind us or build on the good relationship we had there for a while and see what comes of it this time around. The very very strange thing that happened that I'm still in awe of was I mentioned that it was so very weird that we ran into each other because Stephanie and I were not going to go to Red Robin, but go for Chinese instead, but at the last minute decided on Red Robin. Cindy said they went to Applebees but left when it was too busy and came to Red Robin instead. Makes you wonder if we were meant to run into each other Tuesday. Fate? Coincidence? Chance? Who knows...

That seems to be my new thing lately, which I really like: forgiveness, I guess you could call it. I feel that anything that has ended badly can be mended in some way that perhaps you may not get back to the good times, but at least things can end on a good note, rather than what they were originally left at. I feel that time truly is the ultimate healer. Eventually everything will settle into place and we can look back on past experiences with the experience and expertise that we've gained just by living and time will do the rest. This is a case where time is nothing but wonderful, we all know that's usually never the case. I have also seen that some people can not change, or time has made them worse actually, which makes any sort of reconciliation/closure impossible. Sometimes that's where it has to be left at. Perhaps its just not the right time then, that more time must pass before that closure we seek can be reached. 


tell me your secrets

Clouds of Dust [13 Dec 2006|08:30pm]
[ mood | swingin' ]

My car insurance is due by 12.01am Friday, fine and dandy. I go to my other bank account yesterday to take out money to cover the $304 for six months and promptly deposit it into my M&T account afterwards. That left me yesterday with $333 in my account. Swell. I come online tonight to make the payment online, but have a lightbulb moment and say, 'G, check your account first.' Thank christ I did cos I only have $303 in there right now because two things from earlier in the week just showed up in my account right after I deposited the $300. Grrrrrrr. Now I have to go and deposit a rebate check from a jump drive I purchased a few weeks ago which I just got in the mail Monday tomorrow and then try this all over again. Once that happens, I'll have $14 to my name til Friday. Good thing the only thing I'm doing tomorrow is going to see the drive-thru nativity scene adventure at this crazy huge church off of Harris Hill with Lyn. I'm sure we'll end up at Starbucks, but I'll get the iced, sweetened passion tea which is less than three dollars. Shit son, I really need to start learning how to save money.

I got Emma Bunton's new album, Life In Mono, in the mail today and I'm really really impressed. Its completely mellow and very well done in all aspects of the record. She has done a wonderful version of "Downtown" and covered a few other songs, like "Perhaps, Perhaps, Perhaps". I'll be obsessing over this one for a few weeks. Still warming up to Incubus' new cd, though I am enjoying a few tracks very much so. Gwen Stefani's new album is pretty good too. Everyone should listen to/download "Yummy" featuring Pharrell. Its pretty much the shit.

I'm starting to get back to painting again, which is lovely. I'm painting a few things for my aunts for Christmas as well as my mom, but I have yet to get started on that. I guess I should really get crackin' considering its the 13th already.

School is done for the semester. Everything went rather well and I'm very happy to be on break 'til the 22nd of January. What an awesome Winter Break. Now if I could just be productive throughout this vacation, that would be stellar. Here's hoping.

I'm back in that 'I want something new and different' mood again. It really sucks cos it grabs me by the ankle and slams me down on the concrete at completely random times and I really do not appreciate that. Luckily, these 'mood swings' haven't been lasting long, but have been recurring a bit more often. I don't know which way I prefer.

I think I need to stop looking for certain things to happen. It's only when you're completely oblivious that you get smacked with an opportunity. The question then is whether to pursue that opportunity or not. I chose not to last time and I am left curious as to whether that was the right decision or not. This thought hits me randomly as well and leaves me in a cloud of dust searching for the right road to take but leaves me looking back, wondering what things would be like if I went left instead of right. I don't know what I'm missing out of that though. Is it the feeling of being wanted or am I truly missing the person? It wasn't long, but it was long enough to leave a slight impact on my being.

That's enough for now. Stay golden ya'll.


tell me your secrets

Time and Time Again... [04 Dec 2006|02:53pm]
[ mood | Weenies. ]

I have such a strong connection to music, especially when I associate it with specific times of my life and/or events. This morning I was listening to Lisa Loeb and this crazy rush of emotions came flooding back to me and I was left incredibly moved by this longing for that time to be back again. That time was basically all of last year in Fredonia, on Orchard Street. I feel like I continually return to that time, time and time again. I miss everything about it, and I mean everything. I miss living in Fredonia. I miss the arguments. I miss Jaime. I miss Heather. And most of all I miss Michael. Regardless if it was the best time, it was a great time and I miss it terribly.

While I want that time to be back, I know that I can never have it back and in all honestly, I don't want that back. That was then and here is now. I'm where I am now and seriously regret nothing about anything that happened at 17 Orchard Street. Everything that went down in that house, both good and bad, happened for a reason and I'd like to think that all four of us left that house changed and better people. We learned so much about eachother and more specifically ourselves that you cannot learn any other way besides the way we all did. All of the arguments, the laughter, the tears, the yelling, the antagonizing, the caddiness, the fun... everything. Even if I didn't love it then, I love it now and if I was loving it then, I'm loving it even more now.

I really hate returning to this, but there it is.

That's actually all for now. I feel this need to release and write more, whether its on here or on paper so I'm going to try to be more expressive from now on. I keep way too many things bottled up and I've been feeling those pressures peaking lately and that needs to stop. I know I say I'm going to try to update this mofo more often all the time and never do, but hey, there it is again. We'll see if I keep it up this time...


1 cut to the bone| tell me your secrets

Plethora of Things [17 Nov 2006|07:35pm]
[ mood | Motivated... surprisingly. ]

So I just went through photos on my facebook page and now I'm all nostalgic and boohooing about the awesome year this was and missing Fredonia way too much. Things have been going rather smoothly lately, minus the crazy three-week throat infection I'm currently finishing fighting. I feel like I'm in the major I should be in. Classes, for the most part, are going well. Work is superb. I have a big bed (thanks to my love, Stephanie). Everything is going well at the moment. I hope it stays that way.

There are lots of little things going on as well. Such as things in planning, potential things, happening things. Loads of things. 

With the onset of this throat infection and then prescribed meds, I think I may have kicked my addictive coffee habit. No longer crave nor yearn for coffee. Don't even care for the taste of it too much. I mean, I have my moments, but I'm finally drinking things other than just coffee and water, which is good. Plus, I joined Fitness19 with Stephanie and Lyn and we're all attempting to stop being jiggily and bring sexy back in a big way. You'll be jealous, just you wait.

There are still way too many things I want to happen now, but can't for a variety of reasons, money, time or otherwise. I think I'm being very good at being patient lately as well and I'm also working very hard at saving money, or trying to anyways. Being sick made these past two paychecks kind of sucktastic, but next week's and the week after especially will be a great boost to the bank account.

:: Upcoming events ::

: some HorrorFest films with Lyn (!!!)
: tattoo (to be scheduled soon)
: new Emma Bunton album!!!!
: new Incubus album!!!!
: continued physical fitness activities
: Thanksgiving food goodness (may set back physical fitness slightly)
: a whole lot more Christmas music
: get cracking on some art projects (way too many ideas and way too little time)

Stay golden...


2 cut to the bone| tell me your secrets

The Frustration and the Beauty of the Unknown [05 Oct 2006|03:37pm]
[ mood | . . . ]

Yet again I find myself in a lull. I find myself in between loving school and absolutely hating it. I love my job. Well, not exactly my job but I love my place of employment (good ol' PetSmart) and the things related to it. I find it such a bother to come to school, to two of my five classes anyways. The other two are alright and love my art education class. I find printmaking horrible and just a complete nuisance. I should actually be in printmaking right now but have skipped it for the second time this week. I just can not be bothered by the thought of a studio class as of late. Its such a pain in the ass to drive all the way out here to be forced to work on something for two+ hours. Printmaking just is not my thing. I have been wanting to paint lately, but have not had the time nor the energy to get started on something. I have ideas. I always have ideas, its just acting on those ideas that takes the motivation and inspiration.

Monday is a day off from school, but its also my day off from work. Sunday I'm off from both things too, but its just better on Monday 'cos of the whole no classes thing. I would love to just kick back and completely do nothing on Monday, but I'm sure I will get persuaded into working, I always do but I do not mind... usually.

Today I found myself thinking of what it could be that is holding me back. I feel like there is something more, like there is something else I should be doing, but I'm not. Another career path? A new way of thinking? I feel like I should know what it is, I feel like I do know what it is, but alas, I do not. I guess there is a charm in not knowing what the hell I want to do with myself. At the same time its paralyzingly frustrating. (Is 'paralyzingly' even a word? It sounds alright... You get the idea.)

I've been completely indecisive lately as well. One minute I think I know what I want, then an hour later I have the exact opposite mind-set. Talk about frustrating.

I wonder if I just need some sort of outlet to let my thoughts and ideas and emotions pour out of me. I feel like a balloon ready to burst. I've been feeling like there is alot of crap I'm holding back from people, but again, I do not know what that is exactly. I feel such grand potential all around me, but somehow I can not grasp it firmly enough to go for the ride. I take hold but end up letting go just a few feet off the ground. Perhaps I'm scared of what might come if I let those ghosts out from the closet that is my mind.

I want to go to the Southerntier and buy pumpkins and gourds and dried corn stalks. I want to completely decorate my house for the fall. That would be an amazing outlet. I love decorating for festive times of the year. I can not wait until Christmas. I want to go all out this year, with lights on the outside of the house and everything.

Ideas like that make me so excited and lift some of the weight that I feel I'm carrying. I feel a moment of clarity that soon dwindles to a minimum just moments later because I can not act on these thoughts fast enough.

I need a change. I need to take a risk. I think I know what part of it all might be, but that could change everything.

"I know... I don't know... That's what I do know."


tell me your secrets

Passing Some Time... [18 Sep 2006|03:11pm]
[ mood | 4.30pm is still so far away... ]

Well that was fun. It took me back to when I first heard all of those songs. I could picture everything that was going on at that time, where I was, what I was doing. Like with Janet, I remember as a kid watching her videos from the Control album, "Nasty", "Control", "What Have You Done For Me Lately", "When I Think Of You", "Let's Wait Awhile" and especially "The Pleasure Principle". I remember thinking how cool she was dancing in that abandoned warehouse with the mirror, knee pads and that wicked walk-over-the-chair move. I wanted to do everything she was doing, I thought it was amazing. With Incubus, I first heard them with the song "Drive", but was officially introduced by Dana when she gave me a mixed cd with "Echo" and either "I Miss You (Acoustic)" and/or "Stellar (Acoustic)" on it. I immediately fell in love with "Echo" and its pretty much been a favorite ever since. I could go on with everyone listed on there, but I won't.

I have this huge two and a half hour break between my morning classes and my 4.30pm-7.10pm class that sucks alot. I was going to go work on my printmaking project, but the room was locked and we don't have passes for it yet. I'm in the Art Ed computer lab on the Macs which I don't particularly care for too much for internet surfing. Actually, they're just not what I'm used to.

On a side note: Stephen Colbert is one hott mutherfucker. I'm sorry, but its true.

... And I guess I'll end with that.

tell me your secrets

Confessions of a Fantastical Mind [17 Sep 2006|11:16pm]
[ mood | Dreamland... ]

(Just a preface: I'm currently at my aunt's house in Ellicottville pup-sitting her new black lab puppy named Jeb.)

Every time I'm alone at my aunt's house, I like to pretend that I'm a celebrity at my vacation home, taking a break from all the fuss and comotion that is my fabulous, famous life. Today, I thought to myself that I had just gotten a new puppy that I wanted to bond with and therefore needed to get away from Hollywood for a while and relax. I thought that I was taking a short break before (and gearing up for) the release of my new project next week and the whirlwind tour of publicity that will ensue.

These are the kinds of things that go through my head sometimes. Actually, this basic idea of being a star and getting away from it all at my home in Ellicottville is a recurring fantasy. Throwing the new puppy concept in there is just to liven things up, to keep things fresh, to keep the dream alive.

One day it'll be true...

That's all I wanted to say tonight.


tell me your secrets

Busy Bee [12 Sep 2006|04:00pm]
[ mood | I heart me some Tim Hortons ]

I love being really busy and therefore not having the time to go and spend money. The downside is when I do have the free time, I end up just spending more, which then defeats the entire idea of thinking that I'm saving money. For example, I paid for getting my car fixed all at once this past Friday, $115. Thursday I'm going for more tattoos, which will be roughly $80. This coming Monday my cell phone bill is due, $98 (I'm a sucker for text messages and the person I text the most does not have Verizon, naturally.) I do feel I'm on the up-swing though in that original idea that I'm rather busy so I don't have the time to spend money. After this week, I'll be able to save up some for a few weeks. It'll work out, I'm not overly concerned.

Classes have been going surprisingly well. Usually by now, I hate everything but tis not the case this year. I attribute that to being home and being in a new school and working 30+ hours a week and so on. I'm in a good space, for the most part. I miss the Fredonia kids so much, but have no regrets what-so-ever about coming to Buff State. I wouldn't have it any other way.

"There's only so much you can learn in one place. The more that you wait, the more time that you waste."

... Now if only I can get fast internet at home, then things will be a whole hell of alot better. But for now, campus computer labs it is. It holds me over anyways.

I keep on seeing people on campus and at work that I (think) I recognize from somewhere but I can never place where I might know them from and it bothers the hell out of me. Maybe its just my head screwing with me and that I only recognize these people from campus or work, but I swear I know them from somewhere else. Not like know know them, just know of them I'll say.

I need some new threads. And I'm going to get those boots from Journeys this year, even if it kills me/puts me in debt.

Have you ever seen someone that just looked so miserable that you wanted to go over and give them a hug, with the intention that it'll make them feel better, even if just for a moment? I've been wanting to do that alot lately. I then sometimes wonder what I look like walking through campus or through a store or something. I wonder if I look just as they do. I have this set image of what I look like in my head, but in reality, I'm not sure what I look like exactly. Some days I look in the mirror and like what I see very much, other days its 'Yeh, you need to work on that G.' I wonder what others see when they see me. Its not that I care about what people think of me when they see me, but I just want to know what they see, asthetically, when they look at me. Maybe no one notices me at all and its just me that likes to look over every single person I see... Is that a normal thought?

I should get going or else I'm going to be tardy to my 4.30 class... Damn you lj for sucking me in and making me lose track of time... But I don't want to stop typing. I have alot of thoughts going through my head at the moment, perhaps that's why I have such a headache today. Ok, I'm seriously going now.

Oh, and Justin Timberlake's new album is the fuckin' shit. Buy it. You'll love it, I swear.


tell me your secrets

Carry On [24 Aug 2006|11:44am]
[ mood | I heart coffee. ]

Seems like forever ago that I last updated. What was it, like early July? Anyways, the *summer* is winding down and school is starting on Monday and I'm rather excited, yet don't really care to be bothered with it, seeing that I've barely saved a dime this whole summer and I'd very much rather be working instead of going to school. That mindset will change, I guarantee you by the end of next week. I just need to get myself into school mode.

I promise this won't be a *Let's take a look back at the summer* post, but...

These past few months, these past few weeks even have been nothing like I would have ever expected. It's been quite the adventure indeed. I've learned so much about myself and I've learned things about friends, former and present, that I was very surprised to learn. I've become incredibly close with Lyn and I've become fast friends with a few people from work, two in particular. Its facinating to me how losing one friendship opened the door to three new friends that I don't think would have come to be had things not changed. I guess that says alot. I don't really regret a thing and how things played out, the only thing I do get upset with is that I didn't see it before. That and that I put forward so much effort towards the end with only a shallow thankyou in return. Now as I stand above and look back, its been obvious the entire time. Speaking about it with others has opened my eyes to my denial and my procrastination in the matter.

I really do feel different about myself, my mindset is now in a different and healthier place. My mom is right, I have been alot less negative about every little thing. Again, I guess that says alot.

And to the possible retaliation that I assume will come from this post, or will want to come from this post, all I can say is that this is my journal and my thoughts. Its free to whoever wants to read it and you have the choice not too.

I don't know why I don't update this mofo more often, it is rather freeing. I guess I think I handle my own stresses better than I actually do. Someone said that these past few weeks have been hell for her and I've been tolerating it so well and that she wished I would vent to her more and that she doesn't know how I do it. I don't have a problem putting my best mind forward and helping a friend whether its just to listen or if someone is looking for advice. I mean, its what I do. Its what a friend is supposed to do. I think I do handle my own enigmas (Thankyou Webster's Universal Dictionary and Thesaurus.) well enough... Or maybe one day I'll just snap and go apeshit on everyone in a thousand mile radius. I highly doubt that though.

There are some amazing people out there in this world. Don't let one hold you back from meeting even a hand-full of those incredible souls.


2 cut to the bone| tell me your secrets

A Fresh Start to Keeping Things Fresh [08 Jul 2006|01:14pm]
[ mood | I want me some food! ]

Its the first day of Stephanie's Birthday Palooza and I'm currently listening to her singing Cher's "Shoop Shoop Song" in the shower. Its going to be an interesting week to say the absolute least. She will be in pig tails by the end of the week, mark my words.

Its so nice to get out of WNY for a while. Get away from pointless drama and other's desperate cries for attention and their yearning for self-assurance from others. I keep on saying that I enjoy people more when I see them less, (well, some people anyways) and its definitely coming to a front lately. Doing the same things over and over again has become so mundane and I can't do it any more. Variety is the spice of life and I love it when friends come up to me and say 'Let's do this tonight instead of the same ol' shit.' instead of me always having to carry the weight of coming up with something that I think would be fun for us both. Its exhilarating, it keeps things fresh. Maybe in a week's time I'll want to go back to doing the same thing numerous times in one week, but as of right now I simply couldn't be bothered in the slightest.

Going to see Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest today and I'm super pumped. Tomorrow may be The Devil Wears Prada which will be equally as exciting. Very early Monday we head down to Long Island 'til very early Thursday when we head up to Toronto for Pink. This week is going to be fuckin' wicked.


6 cut to the bone| tell me your secrets

Myspace People Really Do Exist [22 Jun 2006|12:10pm]
[ mood | itching to do something... ]

It's been a while...

I've fallen into this rather strict routine of work and social time lately and usually I'd find it rather trying, but I'm doing quite well with it overall. I got a raise at work and a "promotion" of sorts, though it means nothing. I am now "Lead Stocker" or something like that. Again, it means nothing in terms of ranks, but it does mean a decent raise.

Its sad that I have nothing remotely interesting to post in here. Whenever I do have something to say, I'm usually at work and then it just completely leaves my mind by the time I get home. OH! Ok, here's something:

Yesterday, I came back from my break and parked in between two cars. One was a co-worker's, the other I wasn't familiar with. I sit in my car for a few moments and I see two people walking in my direction. Upon closer inspection, I recognize one of them as someone I met on myspace and talk to quite regularly on AIM, though we've never met in person. However, I am not completely sure so I say nothing and try to be invisible. Then I realize 100% that it is him and he realizes it's me but say nothing for a few reasons. I get home and myspace message him and it was him and he did recognize me and we chat some and all's well.

My whole point to this is that I found it completely surreal to see someone from something such as myspace. It was like, *Holy shit, he does exist.* I thought about it for a while too during the rest of my shift at work yesterday. I realized that I think that people you meet on myspace are not real until you meet them in the flesh. Maybe its just me. I know I said *Holy shit, he does exist.* alot to myself after seeing him. I have no life really, so these are the things I think about for hours on end whilest at PetSmart.

Over the past week or so, I've been really inspired to paint, though I still cannot for I have not purchased primer yet. Tomorrow (or Saturday) I'm getting a cell phone, finally, and I have a few other essentials to pick up, so Gesso may have to be pushed back yet again 'til next week which sucks 'cos I have alot of ideas now. Maybe I'll use pastels and / or charcoal and do something like that instead. It might actually work out better that way, now that I think about it. We'll see.

Stay golden all you beautiful people,


2 cut to the bone| tell me your secrets

Tee Hee * [23 May 2006|10:16am]
[ mood | Things are good. ]

The Top 12 things that make me really giddy lately:

- My tattoos (!!)
- Hilary Duff *
- Dixie Chicks new album
- The Wreckers album
- X-Men: The Last Stand is out in three days
- My dog
- Meat Raffles
- Colin Farrell
- Singing "It's All Coming Back To Me Now" loudly and badly with Jessica
- Janet Jackson *
- Making plans for super summer fun (stupidity)
- Oprah's Legends Ball special that was on last night (I fucking love O.)

One thing that bothers me is that I'm very low on dead presidents. (I have $7.41 in my bank account at the moment.) However, I did just wrap $74 (go me!) in coins yesterday, so that'll obviously help me get through 'til Friday.

I really really want to paint, but I can't 'cos I don't have gesso (canvas primer), nor the money to purchase some. Again, in three days I'll be able to get some, but still. I want to paint right now.

I need new shirts. Badly. I want to make new shirts and I saw a few shirts at Target in the boys section that I want to get as well. Again, after Friday I'll be able to get some blank shirts from Michaels and then I'll get one of those silly screen printed shirts from Target and that'll hold me over for a while.

That's it for now. Showertime then some more cleaning and organizing my room and such.



Don't know why, but whenever I see or hear these two lately, I get retarded happy.

1 cut to the bone| tell me your secrets

On The Rise [20 May 2006|09:56am]
[ mood | I need food... and coffee. ]

Just got my grades for this semster and I have a 3.07 GPA and I'm pretty proud of that. Goddamn C+ in Figure Modeling threw everything off. I got that grade during exam week and the teacher wrote that he doesn't think that figure modeling is for me. NO SHIT ASSHOLE. I only took that class because it was required. (We need(ed) three 3D classes at Fredonia. FM was my second 3D course.) I hate 3D. I can't do it. It doesn't like me. I can't wrap my head around it. I know this and knew this and I thought I did a pretty damn good job in that class and that bastard gives me a C+. Come on now. Two weeks later and I'm still really pissed about his comments. Maybe its just clay, perhaps I'd be better at sculpture or something without the use of clay... Whatever.

Today is TATTOO DAY! at 3pm... hopefully. (He cancelled last Saturday.) I think I'm a bit nervous, but only because I have to go by myself. Then tonight is the MEAT RAFFLE! at a near-by church with Jessica and that's gonna be retarded fun.

The finale of Will & Grace wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. As in, it wasn't sappy at all and therefore I didn't cry during the finale. From 8pm-9pm, there was a retrospective, looking back on the show and bloopers and interviews with the cast and some guest stars as well. At the end of that, I was sobbing, like really bad. I then thought that if I was this bad before the actual final episode even began, then this is going to be soooooooooooo rough. It was good though and I have just officially decided that I loved it. (I couldn't decide if I liked it alot, or loved it. I just figured that out for myself now.)

I feel like things are on the up and up in all aspects of my life. I'm excited about things to come. School went well this semester. PetSmart is stellar. My friends are insane and I love them dearly. Its going to be quite the summer.

Oh, and my love for COLIN FARRELL is heating up again... Why you ask? No idea. Lately just the thought of him gets me all bothered. Maybe its the movie poster of The Recruit on my wall that my bed now faces (not intentionally) that has reignited my burning passion. Mmmmm...


4 cut to the bone| tell me your secrets

Brace Yourself... [17 May 2006|03:12pm]
[ mood | Needed a good ol' vent ]

Holy crazy school year. A whole lot of things changed. New friends were made. Stopped being friends with a few others, and thank fuck for that. I'm so glad the whole, never ending drama and annoyance of that house on Orchard is behind me.

I'm not going to lie, I'm a little surprised with how things turned out with everything that went on at 17 Orchard and I really really wouldn't want it any other way. Living with Michael Reynolds was one of the best decisions ever made. I miss him way too much already. I'm going to miss Jaime too. However, I still can't get over how much shit Michael and I had to clean up in that house after the two others left. It was fucking disgusting and I'm still quite in awe about the whole thing, even four days after the fact. I can't believe that people can just not give a shit about cleaning up after themselves, 'cos they believe that someone else will just pick up the slack. Its ridiculous, but true. I could go on and on about how disrespectful people can be and how much I just stand back in awe and keep asking, "Are you fucking kidding me?" but I won't. Maybe some other time. Like I said, so glad that's over.

If I could do it all over again, I would because that house showed me who was a real friend and who else I couldn't care less if I ever saw again. Those who mean something, those that are truly good people, are still my friends. To all others that have been cast aside (whether you read this or not), I leave you with 'I hope you grow up and take responsibility for your actions and realize that someone won't always be there to pick up your mess, actual and hypothetical mess'. But more importantly, I say with honesty and from the heart 'peace and love' because as much drama as there was, I really do wish the best for everyone. They're in charge of themselves from there on and if they don't wish to change, keep on expecting more and more people to end up hating you.

With that said, I feel alot better... A happier, non-Fredonia post will come shortly, I promise.


---[ Countdowns! ]---
Will & Grace: The Finale: TOMORROW
The Wreckers | Stand Still, Look Pretty: SIX DAYS
Dixie Chicks | Taking The Long Way: SIX DAYS
X-Men: The Last Stand: NINE DAYS

1 cut to the bone| tell me your secrets

[ viewing | most recent entries ]
[ go | earlier ]